A Few Things I've Learned About Being Broke in College

Being broke is not about not being able to afford going to the movies or taking a long road trip, buying snacks at Schnucks or going to fancy restaurants. 

Being broke is about not being able to go to the doctor because you can't afford the co-pay, doing your grocery shopping with cash at the dollar tree, using all of your penny's, scheduling your route according to conserving gas, not knowing how you're going to be able to pay your bills until the last minute, taking odd jobs from strangers and friends, going on an involuntary diet because food costs too much, gaining weight because the only food you can afford is pasta and dollar chicken sandwiches at Wendy's, drinking more water just so you're less hungry, taking a job an hour away even if that means you work the first hour for free because that's how much the gas cost, putting strains on good relationships because you're so stressed out, being completely unable to take a day off, buying one ply toilet paper, sucking up your pride to accept money from family and being broke is doing the happy dance when you find a three dollar gift card in an old wallet.

A timid beginning...

It is ironic that my first entry into Book Cover Moments is not in fact about a Book Cover Moment.  I am actually merely in the mood to just write about my current feelings as a form of release I suppose.
I'm having a rather difficult time putting my emotions into words right now.

Want to peer into my soul?
Read on... I will hold back nothing... I will hide no emotions, nor shy away from the any painful truth.

I feel as if I am in a thick, heavy fog.
I know that life is going fairly well; however, I am a getting deterred by these feelings of anxiety that I cannot seem to purge.
It is not that I am dissatisfied with any one aspect of my life...
I am doing pretty well with my studies, I am in a ambiguous but satisfying relationship with an extremely handsome guy, and my finances are finally stabilizing.
But it's still there...  This fog of anxiety.
It is ever distracting, it lingers and influences every thought and action.  It creeps into my dreams and seeps into my fantasies.  I feel the strain when I smile, I feel the pain in my voice when I talk to people, I feel the aching in my heart when I make love...
It is with me when I study, read, watch TV, drink, bake and mingle.
It never goes away.
It is my shadow even on a cloudy day and it sticks to me like the humidity on a summer's day.
Like the shower's steam to a mirror, it fogs my thoughts and disturbs my contentment.
It is not as if I am depressed... or even have that feeling of loneliness I usually carry around with me at least once every two months.
It is a distance, even when I am sitting next to someone, I feel far away...
While I am working on school work, I feel as if I am not retaining anything and when I have written an essay, I look back and do not recognize the words as my own.
It is increasingly difficult to meditate... when I close my eyes, all I can picture is darkness, engulfing every thought and consuming every feeling, regurgitating it, every thought and feeling now covered in the sticky slime of anxiety... making it difficult to breath... making it impossible to remember a time when I wasn't anxious, when every thought didn't taste bitter... making me want to spit my thoughts back out in disgust.

But I must swallow the feelings... Smile, pretend that I feel fine as I always have.
Sure I let a few people peer into my soul every once in a while but you have to pretend, you can't tell them how often you feel anxious...
Its really easy to fake usually, just smile and try really hard to focus on the conversations as they are happening and sometimes you can even convince yourself that you are fine...
Don't get me wrong, there are times when I feel good and there are a lot of times when I feel fine.
But there is always this light lingering fog that remains in my thoughts.
Anyway... Not to bore you with my most intimate thoughts.


Until next time...